ADD: One Woman?s Story

One Woman?s Storyeverything was great and as an aside, almost as an
afterthought, mentioned that her scores had fallen
Certified Professional Business Coach specializing indramatically on the tasks that she had no interest in.
Adult ADDThe tests reflected some difficulty with attention. I
When I was a 42 year old woman the awarenessremember taking note in my head, but not sharing it
that I had ADD, or ADHD to be specific, changed mybecause it was a thought without a context.
life forever. Until that day, I had never even heard ofI wanted badly to believe all of the so called experts
ADD.and educational professionals. After all, I had always
ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) is not fun. Not forfelt that anyone in a position of authority naturally
anyone. I am annoyed when I hear anyone minimizingknew more than I did.
it or its effects. I am a 53 year old woman who wasI tried but things with my daughter were not
affected my whole life by an invisible disorder Iimproving. She was still struggling with reading and
couldn?t name. I never knew what was wrong withorganizational skills and the pain for me was getting
me. I always felt as if there was something, but Igreater. It?s interesting as I look back to know that
never quite knew what it was. I was alwaysthe pain that I was experiencing through her was all
complimented on my achievements, capabilities, looksof those unresolved years of my own pain. It was
and talent. The compliments somehow felt odd. Thecertainly not clear at the time. The only thing that
outsides looked perfect. I functioned on a very highwas very clear was that something was not right.
level- always in the ?in crowd?, lots of friends, goodThat?s all I knew. I finally sought help outside of the
schools, nice boyfriends, husbands, career, family,school with a psychologist who was recommended
mother, and wife. To the outside world, I was ato me by a friend. She said that it might be nothing
success in life, highly achieving both personally and inmore than an eyelash. But, she said, an eyelash could
any profession I chose. (And there have been adrive you crazy so we decided to take a look and
few.)see. I felt very relieved because I intuitively sensed
The insides were another story. I often feltthat I was in the right place. I somehow just knew.
overwhelmed by life, terrified of nameless things,She spent some time testing my daughter, then 7
anxious, confused, hopeless, resentful, and depressed.years old, and diagnosed her with ADHD ( Attention
I wasn?t conscious of ?keeping up the facade?Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) which as I mentioned,
because it never felt like a facade. It just felt like theuntil that day, I had not ever heard of. No one had
way it was. This internal conflict was in directever mentioned it- not the experts, not the schools,
opposition to all of my outward appearances.none of the therapists that I had seen over the
School was a nightmare for as far back as I couldyears, no one. She diagnosed me simultaneously and
remember. Thinking about the struggle makes meI had what I have learned is a classic response to
uneasy to this day. What do I mean by nightmare?this awareness. It was as if the flood gates opened
Basically, I never knew whether I was going to retainup, the bright lights went on. After all of these years,
the information that I was receiving. As the lectureI knew what was wrong with me. I wasn?t crazy. I
proceeded, I was still thinking about, processing thewasn?t stupid. I wasn?t even confused. I had a
first fact or concept that had been presented, whileneurological disorder with a name that appeared to
in the meantime, several other facts had beenbe the cause of most if not all of the underlying
offered and I missed them all. There were alwaysnegative feelings about my own behavior that I had
what felt like gaps and I always felt as if I had tobeen living with and compensating for all of my life. I
scramble to put them together. Sometimes I madeknew that I was not alone and I knew that there
the Dean?s List with A?s, sometimes I barely passed.was hope. It wasn?t my fault and there was nothing
I remember always feeling somehow as if it wasn?twrong with me except exactly what was wrong
up to me. I just never knew. Consequently, Iwith me which suddenly became OK.
regularly felt stupid, scared, confused and oftenSince my diagnosis, I have stopped wondering,
inferior.searching and feeling shame about my very
I was 42 years old when I finally found out whatexistence. I learned that ADD is a neurological
was really wrong with me. I mean really wrong. I haddisorder and has absolutely nothing to do with
been searching for years. Therapy, group therapy,intelligence. It has to do with brain wiring and body
Alanon, Chit Chat, ACOA, more therapy,chemistry. I learned that there is no blood test and
psychodrama, career counseling, you name it; I neverthat it is diagnosed through symptoms which must
gave up. The diagnosis in my case was a classic onehave onset before the age of 7 like impulsivity,
for an adult. We are often diagnosed when ourdifficulty sustaining a single task or getting organized,
children are diagnosed. It is hereditary. At the time,interrupting constantly, a sense of underachievement
my daughter was in 2nd grade at one of theand a tendency to be easily bored. I learned that
preeminent public schools in NYC. I always ?sensed?there is an 80% correlation between ADD and
that there was something wrong with the way shesubstance abuse and depression/anxiety disorders. I
was learning, processing information or playing frombegan to read everything that I could get my hands
the time she was really little. Everything just FELTon, went to CHADD meetings and began to be very
wrong.verbal about this. I began to address my shame- the
The so called? experts? continually and emphaticallyall pervasive feeling that told me that I was
assured me that it was ?just my imagination? and herfundamentally flawed. I not only began to advocate
issues were merely ?developmental?. They assuredfor my daughter in school, I began to advocate for
me that she had been tested by ?the finest readingmyself both at work and in my personal relationships.
specialists in NYC and there was nothing wrong?. SheMy life is no longer an uphill climb. I would have to say
was outgoing, very social, very bright, sociallythat I am happier today than I have ever been in my
integrated, and adorable. In fact in nursery school,life. I see a therapist regularly who is trained in and
they moved her quickly ahead to kindergartenvery knowledgeable about ADD and I am on
because they felt that she was so ready! From themedication prescribed and monitored by a medical
time she was in nursery school, I would literally feeldoctor. My daughter is doing great. She takes her
nauseous whenever I went to her school, wheneverRitalin as prescribed and is an integrated, socially
I sat in a conference. I could never quite put myadept, well adjusted, happy kid. I can accept the
finger on it, but the feelings were very real and veryeclectic person I am today with love and kindness. I
consistent. I knew that she was never the kind ofoften feel a sense of well being and peace and no
kid who sat and played with blocks or puzzles butlonger castigate myself for walking on the planet. I
never knew what to do with that information orfind joy in living and feel hopeful much of the time.
thought much about it. I remember sitting in a schoolThe inner voices are much more gentle and
conference after she had taken her first ERB testscontinually remind me that all is well.
when she was 3 1/2. The director said that