Coping With a Spouse's Disability

In February 2008, my husband was diagnosed with awho didn't bother to visit him or call him periodically to
life threatening brain tumor. For months, he hadcheck up on his health. He experienced short term
constantly complained of severe headaches, visionmemory loss, anger, extreme mood changes,
problems and constant fatigue. He complained ofpersonality changes, inability to follow verbal
unexplained blackouts. He was a working maninstructions and difficulty adjusting to his situation. He
committed to his family. He was very outgoing andhas difficulty understanding conversations and we
very involved in our childrens' school education.have to constantly keep repeating things over and
Despite my pleas to go seek medical attention, heover again for him to understand. He was in complete
refused to go believing the symptoms woulddenial about his condition. He refused to believe his
disappear on their own.condition couldn't be reversed by surgery despite the
One morning he blacked out while driving causing adoctors final determination that his condition couldn't
minor traffic accident, no injuries were reported. Thebe reversed or changed through surgery.
police officer that responded to the scene of theI tried to stress to him that he could have died during
accident based on his observations determined it wasthe operation, become paralyzed or so many other
unsafe for my husband to drive. The police officerthings could have happened to him. I tried to
notified me of the circumstances and recommendedconvince him that he needed to be thankful he was
my husband be examined by a doctor.still alive to be here with his children. He resented the
I immediately took my husband to the emergencyfact that the fulfilling life he knew before the brain
room. Several hours later after numerous tests, thetumor was gone. He was miserable because he
neurologist explained there was a large brain tumorcouldn't do anything for himself. He'd get terribly
on the right side of his brain. The brain tumor neededupset one minute about not being able to see our
to be removed or eventually the brain tumor wouldchildren's faces and then the next minute he was
kill him.angry and resented the world for his condition. He
This was the most scariest situation I ever had towanted everyone to feel sorry for him and cater to
deal with in my life. I was afraid for my husband nothis every need instead of him standing up on his own
knowing what the final outcome of the surgeryand helping himself become independent and
would be. I had to be strong for my children so Iself-sufficient.
kept myself together during the worst. The surgeryIt's been well over a year and a half since the
successfully removed the brain tumor, which wassurgery. The huge scar on the top of his head has
determined to be benign, but the damage to thehealed and honestly things haven't changed for my
optical nerve was severe. After the surgery, he washusband. I have tried to be patient, as well as our
diagnosed with complete vision loss in the right eyechildren have continued to be patient while dealing
and minimal vision in the left eye. He was declaredwith my husband but his demeanor and
legally blind. His neurologist referred him to the Centertemperament. My husband is frustrated, angry, self
for the Visually Impaired in Atlanta where they havecentered, demanding and inpatient. His only support
a excellent Low Vision Clinic.system has been myself and our children, but his
The whole recuperation process was extremelyextreme mood swings have pushed me further from
trying and hurtful. Right after surgery, my husbandhim. Our children help him whenever they can but I
couldn't remember the events leading up to thedon't have the time nor the patience to tend to his
surgery. He was verbally abusive, aggressive andevery need at the expense of our children. He no
violent towards everyone especially me. His carelonger acts like my husband but acts like an additional
providers had to physically restrain him and keep himchild in the family that becomes temperamental when
sedated because he was trying to remove the tubesnot given what he wants, when he wants it. He's
attached to his body. I was deeply hurt by his verbalcurrently undergoing counseling but the counseling
attacks but his nurses explained that it was commonhasn't seemed to help him deal with the reality of his
type of behavior after brain surgery. At that time Icondition.
was working full time and our children were attendingHis relationship with our children has suffered because
school, I was desperately trying to keep the normalhe is no longer able to parent our children as he once
routine for the children and then driving out to thewas able to. He's too easily frustrated and can't
hospital nightly. He had a sitter with him constantlyhandle the pressure raising three children so close in
which helped his disposition somewhat. He was veryage. The children constantly take advantage of this
calm and collected almost child like until I refused tosituation whenever they can because they know
remove the restraints or allow him to leave thetheir daddy doesn't have the patience to deal with
hospital then he became verbally abusive andthem and he will allow them greater freedom than I
threatening prompting me to leave in order to allowwill.
him to calm down.He is living in denial about his condition. I pray
Four weeks later, he was released from the hospitalsomeday very soon he will accept his condition and
to my care. He was glad to be home with the family,eventually start trying to rebuild his self confidence
but eventually the happiness wore off and it wasand self-esteem so he can become more
promptly replaced with anger and resentment. He feltindependent and live a healthier and happier life.
abandoned by his friends and his family members