| I can't do anything with her," Mrs.
| |
| | a whining, yelling, or in some other way
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| Porter said plaintively, "I am absolutely
| |
| | challenging, little girl. Automatically
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| starting to lose it."
| |
| | and with great efficiency, her brain
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| "Starting?" her husband asked with
| |
| | dredged up the unsuccessful responses she
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| genuine surprise and a roll of the
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| | and her mother used when she was a child.
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| eyeballs. "Listen," he confided in me,
| |
| | There's been a lot of "inner child"
|
| "my wife's just as bad as our seven-year
| |
| | therapy in the last couple of decades and
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| old when they get going. You should hear
| |
| | it's lovely. The inner child is that hurt
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| them."
| |
| | little Mrs. Porter who couldn't get what
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| "Tell me more," I said to Mrs. Porter.
| |
| | she wanted and was scolded anyway. This
|
| "To be honest," she admitted, "he's
| |
| | inner child needs to heal. But even more
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| right. I don't know how it all
| |
| | vital to Mrs. Porter's parenting, she
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| degenerates, but something inside me goes
| |
| | (the inner child) needs to stay out of
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| haywire every single time Sabrina acts
| |
| | the adult Mrs. Porter's way when she is
|
| up, and all the wonderful parenting
| |
| | trying to apply useful parenting
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| tricks you've taught us go right outside
| |
| | strategies that she has learned. Easier
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| the window."
| |
| | said than done. The brain mechanism that
|
| "Guess what?" I tell them, "You're not
| |
| | launches the whining-and-yelling- Mrs.
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| alone. Your brain is causing this and we
| |
| | Porter is lightning quick and, as we
|
| can get you out of it!" It's at this
| |
| | said, not very accurate besides not being
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| point that I explain a little bit about
| |
| | a reservoir of successful parenting
|
| how the human brain works and why the
| |
| | memories. So we have, on the one hand,
|
| best mechanisms it has to offer can mess
| |
| | Mrs. Porter's higher-functioning cerebral
|
| you up later on in life. Efficiency is
| |
| | cortex brimming with wonderful techniques
|
| one of the most outstanding
| |
| | to work with her children, and on the
|
| characteristics of the human brain. In
| |
| | other hand, her "inner child" reacting
|
| neurobiological terms this means that
| |
| | quite un-helpfully but quicker and more
|
| when childhood memories are recorded for
| |
| | effectively than her cerebral cortex.
|
| future use, those memories are stored in
| |
| | The strategy to get around this problem
|
| very rough categories. "Harmful," for
| |
| | is to learn methods to buy time. If Mrs.
|
| example, could describe the face of a toy
| |
| | Porter can slow the entire process down
|
| doll that resembles a frightening dog. As
| |
| | by, say, one whole minute, she wins. That
|
| a child, when you'd see the doll-face,
| |
| | is, her cerebral cortex (the thinking and
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| you might have gotten scared because it
| |
| | rational part of her brain) wins over her
|
| resembles the scary face of the big dog.
| |
| | "inner child." Here are various
|
| As an adult, there's no logical reason in
| |
| | strategies that people have used to buy
|
| the world why you should become
| |
| | themselves that minute:
|
| momentarily scared by a similar
| |
| | 1. Breathe deeply and peacefully as soon
|
| doll-face, but that's exactly what
| |
| | as tension starts and focus on the
|
| happens. It's all because your brain
| |
| | breathing. This miraculously disengages
|
| makes a hasty decision that a new
| |
| | the automatic and unhelpful emotional
|
| stimulus belongs in a particular
| |
| | response.
|
| category. What it loses in logic, it
| |
| | 2. Say affirmations to oneself such as:
|
| gains in speed, and speed is of the
| |
| | "I am a competent adult and I have a
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| essence when you need to protect
| |
| | bunch of good tools that I can use."
|
| yourself. Thus, if you're in a deserted
| |
| | Repeat the affirmation slowly and firmly
|
| street and you see a movement out of the
| |
| | as necessary.
|
| corner of your eye, you'll perhaps get
| |
| | 3. Recite inspirational messages to
|
| startled. That's good because that level
| |
| | yourself.
|
| of alertness could save your life.
| |
| | 4. Hum soothing melodies to yourself.
|
| So how does this apply to Mrs. Porter and
| |
| | Mrs. Porter and I developed a list of the
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| her struggle with seven-year-old Sabrina?
| |
| | tools she would like to be able to use
|
| Sabrina's antics would "bring" her mother
| |
| | with her daughter and then practiced the
|
| right back to her own childhood. That is,
| |
| | breathing. I gave her a CD of a
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| without realizing it, her child's
| |
| | relaxation I created (which can be
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| behavior evoked in her all the feelings
| |
| | downloaded from my website for free in my
|
| that she had as a child herself-and all
| |
| | "Self Help" section, here) and suggested
|
| the reactions. When confronted with her
| |
| | she listen to that every day.
|
| own normal seven-year old behavior, Mrs.
| |
| | Meanwhile, Mr. Porter was not to be left
|
| Porter's parents didn't really know what
| |
| | out. Why, I wanted to know, did he roll
|
| to do. Her father would hit her and, even
| |
| | his eyeballs instead of supporting his
|
| at the tender age she was, she swore she
| |
| | wife? Could it be that by being so
|
| would never do that to a child of her
| |
| | superior he got to dump the problem of
|
| own. Her mother would yell helplessly.
| |
| | disciplining Sabrina on his wife? If so,
|
| Given the two choices, the helpless
| |
| | that wasn't very fair, was it? He agreed
|
| yelling seemed much kinder although it
| |
| | it wasn't and we worked out a plan for
|
| didn't really accomplish anything. With
| |
| | him to be more involved. We decided to
|
| all that bad parenting, it's a wonder
| |
| | capitalize on his sense of humor to help
|
| Mrs. Porter grew up to be a fairly
| |
| | both his wife and child learn to laugh at
|
| normal, nice adult. Throughout her
| |
| | themselves and lighten up while in the
|
| childhood, all she knew was to yell back
| |
| | thick of their tugs-of-war. All this
|
| at her mother, whine, feel stupid, be
| |
| | could only work, of course, with Mrs.
|
| wrong, and not enjoy whatever it was she
| |
| | Porter's cooperation, but she was happy
|
| was whining for anyway after her parents
| |
| | to give it as she actually welcomed her
|
| drained every drop of fun out of it. She
| |
| | husband's humor to de-stress situations.
|
| did not have a sense of competency and
| |
| | In this way, Mrs. Porter's cerebral
|
| success.
| |
| | cortex wins and her "inner child" is kept
|
| And that is precisely what was triggered
| |
| | from making a mess of things.
|
| in her brain when she was confronted with
| |
| |
|
