| I can't do anything with her," Mrs. Porter said | | | | in some other way challenging, little girl. Automatically |
| plaintively, "I am absolutely starting to lose it." | | | | and with great efficiency, her brain dredged up the |
| "Starting?" her husband asked with genuine surprise | | | | unsuccessful responses she and her mother used |
| and a roll of the eyeballs. "Listen," he confided in me, | | | | when she was a child. |
| "my wife's just as bad as our seven-year old when | | | | There's been a lot of "inner child" therapy in the last |
| they get going. You should hear them." | | | | couple of decades and it's lovely. The inner child is |
| "Tell me more," I said to Mrs. Porter. | | | | that hurt little Mrs. Porter who couldn't get what she |
| "To be honest," she admitted, "he's right. I don't | | | | wanted and was scolded anyway. This inner child |
| know how it all degenerates, but something inside me | | | | needs to heal. But even more vital to Mrs. Porter's |
| goes haywire every single time Sabrina acts up, and | | | | parenting, she (the inner child) needs to stay out of |
| all the wonderful parenting tricks you've taught us go | | | | the adult Mrs. Porter's way when she is trying to |
| right outside the window." | | | | apply useful parenting strategies that she has learned. |
| "Guess what?" I tell them, "You're not alone. Your | | | | Easier said than done. The brain mechanism that |
| brain is causing this and we can get you out of it!" | | | | launches the whining-and-yelling- Mrs. Porter is lightning |
| It's at this point that I explain a little bit about how | | | | quick and, as we said, not very accurate besides not |
| the human brain works and why the best | | | | being a reservoir of successful parenting memories. |
| mechanisms it has to offer can mess you up later on | | | | So we have, on the one hand, Mrs. Porter's |
| in life. Efficiency is one of the most outstanding | | | | higher-functioning cerebral cortex brimming with |
| characteristics of the human brain. In neurobiological | | | | wonderful techniques to work with her children, and |
| terms this means that when childhood memories are | | | | on the other hand, her "inner child" reacting quite |
| recorded for future use, those memories are stored | | | | un-helpfully but quicker and more effectively than her |
| in very rough categories. "Harmful," for example, | | | | cerebral cortex. |
| could describe the face of a toy doll that resembles | | | | The strategy to get around this problem is to learn |
| a frightening dog. As a child, when you'd see the | | | | methods to buy time. If Mrs. Porter can slow the |
| doll-face, you might have gotten scared because it | | | | entire process down by, say, one whole minute, she |
| resembles the scary face of the big dog. As an adult, | | | | wins. That is, her cerebral cortex (the thinking and |
| there's no logical reason in the world why you should | | | | rational part of her brain) wins over her "inner child." |
| become momentarily scared by a similar doll-face, but | | | | Here are various strategies that people have used to |
| that's exactly what happens. It's all because your | | | | buy themselves that minute: |
| brain makes a hasty decision that a new stimulus | | | | 1. Breathe deeply and peacefully as soon as tension |
| belongs in a particular category. What it loses in logic, | | | | starts and focus on the breathing. This miraculously |
| it gains in speed, and speed is of the essence when | | | | disengages the automatic and unhelpful emotional |
| you need to protect yourself. Thus, if you're in a | | | | response. |
| deserted street and you see a movement out of the | | | | 2. Say affirmations to oneself such as: "I am a |
| corner of your eye, you'll perhaps get startled. That's | | | | competent adult and I have a bunch of good tools |
| good because that level of alertness could save your | | | | that I can use." Repeat the affirmation slowly and |
| life. | | | | firmly as necessary. |
| So how does this apply to Mrs. Porter and her | | | | 3. Recite inspirational messages to yourself. |
| struggle with seven-year-old Sabrina? | | | | 4. Hum soothing melodies to yourself. |
| Sabrina's antics would "bring" her mother right back | | | | Mrs. Porter and I developed a list of the tools she |
| to her own childhood. That is, without realizing it, her | | | | would like to be able to use with her daughter and |
| child's behavior evoked in her all the feelings that she | | | | then practiced the breathing. I gave her a CD of a |
| had as a child herself-and all the reactions. When | | | | relaxation I created (which can be downloaded from |
| confronted with her own normal seven-year old | | | | my website for free in my "Self Help" section, here) |
| behavior, Mrs. Porter's parents didn't really know | | | | and suggested she listen to that every day. |
| what to do. Her father would hit her and, even at | | | | Meanwhile, Mr. Porter was not to be left out. Why, I |
| the tender age she was, she swore she would never | | | | wanted to know, did he roll his eyeballs instead of |
| do that to a child of her own. Her mother would yell | | | | supporting his wife? Could it be that by being so |
| helplessly. Given the two choices, the helpless yelling | | | | superior he got to dump the problem of disciplining |
| seemed much kinder although it didn't really | | | | Sabrina on his wife? If so, that wasn't very fair, was |
| accomplish anything. With all that bad parenting, it's a | | | | it? He agreed it wasn't and we worked out a plan for |
| wonder Mrs. Porter grew up to be a fairly normal, | | | | him to be more involved. We decided to capitalize on |
| nice adult. Throughout her childhood, all she knew | | | | his sense of humor to help both his wife and child |
| was to yell back at her mother, whine, feel stupid, be | | | | learn to laugh at themselves and lighten up while in |
| wrong, and not enjoy whatever it was she was | | | | the thick of their tugs-of-war. All this could only |
| whining for anyway after her parents drained every | | | | work, of course, with Mrs. Porter's cooperation, but |
| drop of fun out of it. She did not have a sense of | | | | she was happy to give it as she actually welcomed |
| competency and success. | | | | her husband's humor to de-stress situations. |
| And that is precisely what was triggered in her brain | | | | In this way, Mrs. Porter's cerebral cortex wins and |
| when she was confronted with a whining, yelling, or | | | | her "inner child" is kept from making a mess of things. |