| I can't do anything with her," Mrs. Porter | | | | challenging, little girl. Automatically and |
| said plaintively, "I am absolutely starting | | | | with great efficiency, her brain dredged up |
| to lose it." | | | | the unsuccessful responses she and her mother |
| | | | used when she was a child. |
| "Starting?" her husband asked with genuine | | | | |
| surprise and a roll of the eyeballs. | | | | There's been a lot of "inner child" therapy |
| "Listen," he confided in me, "my wife's just | | | | in the last couple of decades and it's |
| as bad as our seven-year old when they get | | | | lovely. The inner child is that hurt little |
| going. You should hear them." | | | | Mrs. Porter who couldn't get what she wanted |
| | | | and was scolded anyway. This inner child |
| "Tell me more," I said to Mrs. Porter. | | | | needs to heal. But even more vital to Mrs. |
| | | | Porter's parenting, she (the inner child) |
| "To be honest," she admitted, "he's right. I | | | | needs to stay out of the adult Mrs. Porter's |
| don't know how it all degenerates, but | | | | way when she is trying to apply useful |
| something inside me goes haywire every single | | | | parenting strategies that she has learned. |
| time Sabrina acts up, and all the wonderful | | | | Easier said than done. The brain mechanism |
| parenting tricks you've taught us go right | | | | that launches the whining-and-yelling- Mrs. |
| outside the window." | | | | Porter is lightning quick and, as we said, |
| | | | not very accurate besides not being a |
| "Guess what?" I tell them, "You're not alone. | | | | reservoir of successful parenting memories. |
| Your brain is causing this and we can get you | | | | So we have, on the one hand, Mrs. Porter's |
| out of it!" It's at this point that I explain | | | | higher-functioning cerebral cortex brimming |
| a little bit about how the human brain works | | | | with wonderful techniques to work with her |
| and why the best mechanisms it has to offer | | | | children, and on the other hand, her "inner |
| can mess you up later on in life. Efficiency | | | | child" reacting quite un-helpfully but |
| is one of the most outstanding | | | | quicker and more effectively than her |
| characteristics of the human brain. In | | | | cerebral cortex. |
| neurobiological terms this means that when | | | | |
| childhood memories are recorded for future | | | | The strategy to get around this problem is to |
| use, those memories are stored in very rough | | | | learn methods to buy time. If Mrs. Porter can |
| categories. "Harmful," for example, could | | | | slow the entire process down by, say, one |
| describe the face of a toy doll that | | | | whole minute, she wins. That is, her cerebral |
| resembles a frightening dog. As a child, when | | | | cortex (the thinking and rational part of her |
| you'd see the doll-face, you might have | | | | brain) wins over her "inner child." Here are |
| gotten scared because it resembles the scary | | | | various strategies that people have used to |
| face of the big dog. As an adult, there's no | | | | buy themselves that minute: |
| logical reason in the world why you should | | | | |
| become momentarily scared by a similar | | | | 1. Breathe deeply and peacefully as soon as |
| doll-face, but that's exactly what happens. | | | | tension starts and focus on the breathing. |
| It's all because your brain makes a hasty | | | | This miraculously disengages the automatic |
| decision that a new stimulus belongs in a | | | | and unhelpful emotional response. |
| particular category. What it loses in logic, | | | | |
| it gains in speed, and speed is of the | | | | 2. Say affirmations to oneself such as: "I am |
| essence when you need to protect yourself. | | | | a competent adult and I have a bunch of good |
| Thus, if you're in a deserted street and you | | | | tools that I can use." Repeat the affirmation |
| see a movement out of the corner of your eye, | | | | slowly and firmly as necessary. |
| you'll perhaps get startled. That's good | | | | |
| because that level of alertness could save | | | | 3. Recite inspirational messages to yourself. |
| your life. | | | | |
| | | | 4. Hum soothing melodies to yourself. |
| So how does this apply to Mrs. Porter and her | | | | |
| struggle with seven-year-old Sabrina? | | | | Mrs. Porter and I developed a list of the |
| | | | tools she would like to be able to use with |
| Sabrina's antics would "bring" her mother | | | | her daughter and then practiced the |
| right back to her own childhood. That is, | | | | breathing. I gave her a CD of a relaxation I |
| without realizing it, her child's behavior | | | | created (which can be downloaded from my |
| evoked in her all the feelings that she had | | | | website for free in my "Self Help" section, |
| as a child herself-and all the reactions. | | | | here) and suggested she listen to that every |
| When confronted with her own normal | | | | day. |
| seven-year old behavior, Mrs. Porter's | | | | |
| parents didn't really know what to do. Her | | | | Meanwhile, Mr. Porter was not to be left out. |
| father would hit her and, even at the tender | | | | Why, I wanted to know, did he roll his |
| age she was, she swore she would never do | | | | eyeballs instead of supporting his wife? |
| that to a child of her own. Her mother would | | | | Could it be that by being so superior he got |
| yell helplessly. Given the two choices, the | | | | to dump the problem of disciplining Sabrina |
| helpless yelling seemed much kinder although | | | | on his wife? If so, that wasn't very fair, |
| it didn't really accomplish anything. With | | | | was it? He agreed it wasn't and we worked out |
| all that bad parenting, it's a wonder Mrs. | | | | a plan for him to be more involved. We |
| Porter grew up to be a fairly normal, nice | | | | decided to capitalize on his sense of humor |
| adult. Throughout her childhood, all she knew | | | | to help both his wife and child learn to |
| was to yell back at her mother, whine, feel | | | | laugh at themselves and lighten up while in |
| stupid, be wrong, and not enjoy whatever it | | | | the thick of their tugs-of-war. All this |
| was she was whining for anyway after her | | | | could only work, of course, with Mrs. |
| parents drained every drop of fun out of it. | | | | Porter's cooperation, but she was happy to |
| She did not have a sense of competency and | | | | give it as she actually welcomed her |
| success. | | | | husband's humor to de-stress situations. |
| | | | |
| And that is precisely what was triggered in | | | | In this way, Mrs. Porter's cerebral cortex |
| her brain when she was confronted with a | | | | wins and her "inner child" is kept from |
| whining, yelling, or in some other way | | | | making a mess of things. |