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Tell Your Inner Child To Just Keep Out Of This

I can't do anything with her," Mrs. a whining, yelling, or in some other way
Porter said plaintively, "I am absolutely challenging, little girl. Automatically
starting to lose it." and with great efficiency, her brain
"Starting?" her husband asked with dredged up the unsuccessful responses she
genuine surprise and a roll of the and her mother used when she was a child.
eyeballs. "Listen," he confided in me, There's been a lot of "inner child"
"my wife's just as bad as our seven-year therapy in the last couple of decades and
old when they get going. You should hear it's lovely. The inner child is that hurt
them." little Mrs. Porter who couldn't get what
"Tell me more," I said to Mrs. Porter. she wanted and was scolded anyway. This
"To be honest," she admitted, "he's inner child needs to heal. But even more
right. I don't know how it all vital to Mrs. Porter's parenting, she
degenerates, but something inside me goes (the inner child) needs to stay out of
haywire every single time Sabrina acts the adult Mrs. Porter's way when she is
up, and all the wonderful parenting trying to apply useful parenting
tricks you've taught us go right outside strategies that she has learned. Easier
the window." said than done. The brain mechanism that
"Guess what?" I tell them, "You're not launches the whining-and-yelling- Mrs.
alone. Your brain is causing this and we Porter is lightning quick and, as we
can get you out of it!" It's at this said, not very accurate besides not being
point that I explain a little bit about a reservoir of successful parenting
how the human brain works and why the memories. So we have, on the one hand,
best mechanisms it has to offer can mess Mrs. Porter's higher-functioning cerebral
you up later on in life. Efficiency is cortex brimming with wonderful techniques
one of the most outstanding to work with her children, and on the
characteristics of the human brain. In other hand, her "inner child" reacting
neurobiological terms this means that quite un-helpfully but quicker and more
when childhood memories are recorded for effectively than her cerebral cortex.
future use, those memories are stored in The strategy to get around this problem
very rough categories. "Harmful," for is to learn methods to buy time. If Mrs.
example, could describe the face of a toy Porter can slow the entire process down
doll that resembles a frightening dog. As by, say, one whole minute, she wins. That
a child, when you'd see the doll-face, is, her cerebral cortex (the thinking and
you might have gotten scared because it rational part of her brain) wins over her
resembles the scary face of the big dog. "inner child." Here are various
As an adult, there's no logical reason in strategies that people have used to buy
the world why you should become themselves that minute:
momentarily scared by a similar 1. Breathe deeply and peacefully as soon
doll-face, but that's exactly what as tension starts and focus on the
happens. It's all because your brain breathing. This miraculously disengages
makes a hasty decision that a new the automatic and unhelpful emotional
stimulus belongs in a particular response.
category. What it loses in logic, it 2. Say affirmations to oneself such as:
gains in speed, and speed is of the "I am a competent adult and I have a
essence when you need to protect bunch of good tools that I can use."
yourself. Thus, if you're in a deserted Repeat the affirmation slowly and firmly
street and you see a movement out of the as necessary.
corner of your eye, you'll perhaps get 3. Recite inspirational messages to
startled. That's good because that level yourself.
of alertness could save your life. 4. Hum soothing melodies to yourself.
So how does this apply to Mrs. Porter and Mrs. Porter and I developed a list of the
her struggle with seven-year-old Sabrina? tools she would like to be able to use
Sabrina's antics would "bring" her mother with her daughter and then practiced the
right back to her own childhood. That is, breathing. I gave her a CD of a
without realizing it, her child's relaxation I created (which can be
behavior evoked in her all the feelings downloaded from my website for free in my
that she had as a child herself-and all "Self Help" section, here) and suggested
the reactions. When confronted with her she listen to that every day.
own normal seven-year old behavior, Mrs. Meanwhile, Mr. Porter was not to be left
Porter's parents didn't really know what out. Why, I wanted to know, did he roll
to do. Her father would hit her and, even his eyeballs instead of supporting his
at the tender age she was, she swore she wife? Could it be that by being so
would never do that to a child of her superior he got to dump the problem of
own. Her mother would yell helplessly. disciplining Sabrina on his wife? If so,
Given the two choices, the helpless that wasn't very fair, was it? He agreed
yelling seemed much kinder although it it wasn't and we worked out a plan for
didn't really accomplish anything. With him to be more involved. We decided to
all that bad parenting, it's a wonder capitalize on his sense of humor to help
Mrs. Porter grew up to be a fairly both his wife and child learn to laugh at
normal, nice adult. Throughout her themselves and lighten up while in the
childhood, all she knew was to yell back thick of their tugs-of-war. All this
at her mother, whine, feel stupid, be could only work, of course, with Mrs.
wrong, and not enjoy whatever it was she Porter's cooperation, but she was happy
was whining for anyway after her parents to give it as she actually welcomed her
drained every drop of fun out of it. She husband's humor to de-stress situations.
did not have a sense of competency and In this way, Mrs. Porter's cerebral
success. cortex wins and her "inner child" is kept
And that is precisely what was triggered from making a mess of things.
in her brain when she was confronted with




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